Deep Thoughts and Unsettling Conversations
by Kira Pheonix
Summary: That night, Sam swore that he was going to save Dean. But how is he to do that when he can't even save himself?


Disclaimer: I do not own Sam or Dean Winchester in anyway. They belong to Eric Kripke and CW.

Summary: That night, Sam swore to himself he would save Dean. But how is he going to do that if he can't even save himself?

Deep Thoughts and Unsettling Conversations

Sam lay on his bed, eyes blinking towards the ceiling. It was 2.45 in the morning and Sam still couldn't sleep. He was feeling numb…almost disconnected, like he was somewhere else.

It has been less then 24 hours since they killed the yellow-eyed demon, less than 24 hours since he came back from the dead, less than 24 hours since the Roadhouse burned down. Oh yeah, Dean's going to die in 365 days because of a deal he made to bring Sam back.

Yup, everything was abso-fucking-lutely great.

Suddenly, it hit him. Dean was going to die. His brother is going to die. Sam had never really felt the impact of those words with him coming back from the dead and all.

Until now.

Gripping his pillow tightly, he turned his eyes to the dark form of his sleeping brother. As annoying and unbearable as Dean was, he was still the overprotective big brother that took care of him and he loved Dean more than anyone could ever know. He would sacrifice his life for him.

Sam chuckled wryly.

The irony.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't bring it to himself to be mad at Dean. Because he would do the same thing if he was in Dean's position. It was almost like a silent agreement- one brother hurt, the other go through hell to fix it back. The problem was, Sam didn't know how to fix this. Hell, he didn't even know how to fix himself.

Everything was so messed up. He was so messed up. Everything that happened came rushing back to him. The dream-Oh God, the dream. How was he supposed to tell Dean that he caused their mother's death? That he wasn't even fully human?

Oh, yeah, everything's fucked up alright.

It seemed like he was causing everyone's death. Mom's death was for sure, Jess too. Dad's, Madison's, and Ash. Now Dean.

It feels like no matter what he does, someone always pay for his mistakes.

Now his brother is the victim.

Suddenly, the tears came. Unable to stop himself, he allowed himself to cry, to feel. He buried himself under his pillow, not wanting Dean to hear him.

He cried harder than he did when Jessica died, when Dad died.

"Sam?" came the soft groggy voice of his brother, his _dying _brother.

Almost immediately Sam stiffed himself. He swore silently when he heard soft padding of feet coming towards him. He felt a heavy weight as Dean sat beside him.

He just ignored his brother, hoping that he would go away.

"Sam, look at me. What's wrong, little brother?"

Stubbornly, Sam kept quiet.

Dean sighed. "Sammy, please."

There came the blasted word. Sammy. He never could refuse anything Dean asks for when he does that, like how Dean couldn't refuse his puppy dog eyes.

Huffing in annoyance, he sat up straight and glared at Dean.

"What?" he snapped.

Dean looks tired. There were dark circles under his eyes but there were wide awake, looking at him with what looks like sympathy, concern and understanding.

Sam hated him for that.

"What's wrong?" Dean tried again.

It was in that moment that Samuel Ethan Winchester finally snapped.

He let out an indecorous laugh. "Are you serious? Are you _fucking_ serious? What's wrong? Well, the fact that my brother just gave away his life for me probably had something to do with it! What the hell were you thinking? You were so messed up when Dad made his deal and now you've done the same thing."

Without realizing it, all his pent up emotions had caused his powers to be triggered. _Everything _was shaking. From the windowsills to their bags. Dean looked around in disbelief and a little bit of awe. Then he realized what happened. He needed Sam to calm down, _fast._

"Look,Sam,calm down,alright?"

Shit, that was the wrong thing to say. In fact, it seemed to make Sam even more pissed off.

"Calm down? How the fucking hell am I supposed to calm down, huh, Dean? You're going to die and its my fault-"

"How many times do I have to say-"

"I don't give a fuck at what you say right now! What the hell am I supposed to do? What if I can't help you? You can't say that everything is ok because nothings ok!" Sam seems to deflate a bit. Everything stopped shaking. Sam looked almost broken, like how he was when he was 5 and he just woke up from a nightmare. Dean's chest tightens at the thought of his Sammy in pain.

"Look, Sam, it was my choice. You had no saying in this. I'm supposed to take care of you. That's what I'm doing."

Sam looked straight at Dean, his gaze sharp and penetrating.

"Yeah, well, you might want to rethink that, because I swear Dean, on that day, when your times comes up, I'm going right behind you"

"WHAT!?" Dean stared at his brother, loss at word. No, no, no, no, that wasn't part of the plan. Sam was supposed to move on, be happy, get married to Sarah or something, not get himself killed. "Hell no, Sammy! I didn't make that deal just to get you killed!" Dean screamed

"With you dead, I probably wouldn't even last five seconds" the younger hunter yelled back, not giving in. Sam closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, hoping to calm himself. He opened his eyes again, looking at Dean with haunted eyes. "I already lost everyone else, Dean. I've lost Mom, Dad, Jessica, Madison, I can't lose you too. You're the one that's been keeping me on the ground. You're the one that's keeping me from turning me evil. You're the one that's been keeping me sane! I won't be able to live with myself, knowing that you died because of me. I just can't, Dean. I _can't_ lose you. Not now."

Dean swallowed hard, ignoring the moisture in his eyes. Without hesitation, he scooped his brother up, like how he used to when they were kids. He let Sam cry in his arms, even allowing a few tears of his own to drop.

He knew there as nothing he could do to make everything alright again. Even after everything Sam told him, he still doesn't feel any regret. It was the right thing to do. He knew that Sam would stop at nothing to save him. That was enough for Dean. Knowing that Sam won't give up for him, made him refuse to give up on himself. As long as Sam keeps fighting, he will too.

For his pain-in-the ass little brother.

_For Sammy._

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxox

That's all for now, folks!

Thanx and hope you will review.


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